Most women think that men have it all figured out when it comes to sex with women. The fact is that when a man has sex with one woman he has had sex with ONE woman. All women are different. We are wired differently and even our genital anatomy can vary between women. For most men, being with a new lover or even a seasoned lover is like a mystery novel.
In this digital age a jury is nearly always asked to look at material from phones and computers to help them decide the issue of consent. The law recognises that a person who has freely chosen to have sexual activity with another person once does not give general consent to sexual intercourse with that person on any other occasion. However, even if consent was freely given, such recordings could never provide a blanket defence. GO London. When you take your attention back from a girl, she is going to try to get it back. E-mail The content of this field is kept Starr fatima myspace and will not be shown publicly. Delete Comment. When you try to pretend that sex feels good and it doesn't to protect Woman asking for more during sex lover's ego, you're not being in service to anyone. Women are attracted to self-confident men. When it comes to attracting girls, most guys focus on the wrong things.
Peter nedved wife. You might be surprised at what happens next.
Life is full of short-term choices you make that you wouldn't except for the satisfaction of knowing that long-term it will make you happier. But Woman asking for more during sex even more interesting is the fact that after marriage, the number of women who prefer facials dips down to a tiny 5 percent, which could mean that once they have their man on lock, they don't have to pretend like they enjoy facials anymore. Bravo Julie!!! You mentioned 'if I cry How about the history of the research on sex throughout history. And then, after marriage, women are frigid. Women make up higher overall numbers here in the U. It is strictly from the male perspective. You can see the rest of the findings right herefor all your ejaculation etiquette needs. Look at all the unwanted children in the world we have. Submitted by Julie on November 27, - am.
It was 3.
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It was 3. It feels important to remember that in this story, I initiated this. It was my idea. Suddenly and without warning, he reached over and grabbed his phone — a little rude considering what we were currently engaged in, but whatever. Simultaneously, though, the structures that have allowed this behaviour to continue have made little progress in the way of meaningful change.
For every film industry titan who is blacklisted, another lands a new leading role. For every pussy-grabbing politician forced to resign in disgrace, another becomes the President of the United States, and so the debate continues. Against this cultural backdrop, maybe my surprise was naive. A friend of a friend, who I will call Poppy not her real name , was on a night out when she met a minor celebrity who may or may not have spent part of his summer in Mallorca looking for love.
They hit it off and she accompanied this man back to his hotel. So far so sexy. When they arrived in his room, however, Mr Low Key Famous explained that his contract was very strict and she would need to record a video of herself giving consent.
He asked her to state her full name, that she was there of her own accord and that she consented to having sex with him. She is, however, clear that apart from that, this the guy was lovely. It was something I wanted to do, and when I spoke to him about it afterwards, he was so nice about it. He was pre-emptively covering his back. He said that if she ever tried to claim rape or non-consensual sexual activity, the video would be used as evidence. The conversation around sex and consent that we are currently living through is, at best complex, and at worst hateful.
Especially those like the one Poppy met who are in the public eye. In reality, the vitriol that victims of rape and sexual assault are subject to is enough to put anyone off making a false report. Details are important as well. What kind of sex is this person consenting to, what protection do they want to use? Most crucially, though, consent can be withdrawn at any time. Both Poppy and I liked the men we went home with, and felt comfortable enough to sleep with them, but that could change, and our partners would have to respect that.
Writing this article, I tried to contact the man who asked me to record my consent. But I would be intrigued to hear his viewpoint. We knew each other moderately well. In the end, I did the voice note and had fully consensual, moderately enjoyable sex. That was my choice. For me, digitally recording consent is a misunderstanding of the concept.
The issue of consent lies at the heart of virtually all rape trials. In the vast majority of rape cases heard in the Crown Court the victim knows their attacker. In this digital age a jury is nearly always asked to look at material from phones and computers to help them decide the issue of consent. The police now routinely examine the phones and social media accounts of both parties following an allegation.
The Crown Prosecution Service has strict new guidelines relating to the disclosure of communications material. Defence teams routinely use phone and social media evidence to suggest a relationship was consensual. Evidence of pre-recorded consent is clearly relevant and something a jury could consider. However, even if consent was freely given, such recordings could never provide a blanket defence. The law recognises that a person who has freely chosen to have sexual activity with another person once does not give general consent to sexual intercourse with that person on any other occasion.
The marital rape exemption was abolished in and since then attitudes have moved on significantly. Consent may also be withdrawn at any stage during a sexual encounter. Recently I dealt with a case where the victim consented to sexual intercourse with her partner but asked him to stop when it became painful. In theory the person seeking pre-recorded consent would have to set out their sexual shopping list to cover all bases.
In reality, evidence of pre-recorded consent will be looked at in the context of all the evidence in a case. It is unlikely to be determinative when considering the issue of consent. Even in cases where an accuser has failed to mention that consensual sexual activity took place before an alleged rape, evidence of a pre-recorded consent should be treated with care.
The circumstances in which it was made and the understanding and capacity of the person giving consent should be looked at with care. Rape and sexual assault are horribly common offences and the impact on the complainant can be profound and life changing. Deliberately false, or mistaken allegations of such offences do also occur, some of which have been recently reported. Those who are wrongly accused can suffer severe effects on their lives and well-being.
Approximately 15 percent of us many more women than men become the complainants in rape and sexual assault cases.
It is important then that both men and women understand the law. So, most cases concern the question: did the woman consent and if not, did the man reasonably believe that she did.
Drunken consent is still consent, if freely given. However, the woman must be capable of consenting, so a woman who is comatose for example, through drink or drugs, or asleep, or so drunk to be unable to make a choice could not be said to be consenting.
What about the drunken defendant? Being drunk is not a defence. What about a woman giving consent and then withdrawing it? Well that is still a lack of consent. So, would a recorded or written declaration of consent assist a defendant in the face of a later allegation of rape or sexual assault?
The simple answer is yes, in the sense that it would provide evidence of steps having been taken to ascertain consent and would normally be admissible at trial. However, before young men start charging up iPhones for every date, this could be a dangerous road to go down.
Such video or oral evidence is just evidence, it is not determinative of the question of consent because the actual encounter may have been different in nature or take place after the complainant had changed her mind. Furthermore, the recording may be discovered by the police, and be used against the defendant to show how intoxicated the woman was, or that there was an element of control or coercion in the exchange.
It may also be used by the prosecution to show that the defendant had doubts as to consent or knew he was taking advantage and deliberately trying to protect himself from an anticipated allegation. It is difficult, particularly for young people to navigate this sort of sexual etiquette.
Of course men and boys should be aware of their ability to frighten a woman into silent submission which is not the same as consent. But the use of video or audio recorded consent is a very unromantic way to ask and may not be the cast iron protection the minor celebrity in this story seeks, in fact texts and social media messages before and after the encounter might be as compelling. Her specialisms include sexual allegations and abuse, child abuse and financial crime. You can find our Community Guidelines in full here.
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The night I returned from a relatively sexless two week honeymoon, I got told by my wife that she didn't want sex more than once a month. If it's to do the lawn or pay bills? Guess who gave up their seats so that women and children could leave the titanic safely? It is not a women's "duty" to manage a man's sex drive, it is the man's responsibility. Perhaps experiences run a bell curve distribution, with some outliers. Op You are a man? It seems so.
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And sometimes getting to the peak of arousal can be a bumpy climb; for many women, it may take up 45 minutes. Experiencing regular orgasms is not as easy for women as it is for men, but it is necessary for continued desire.
So, while men love variety, women may prefer a tried and true position or routine, because there is more guarantee of her pleasure, which allows her to relax in the moment.
While many women do learn orgasm through self-stimulation, a large proportion begin their sexual lives within a relationship or hook-up. The first time they are touched intimately may be by another person, whereas nearly all men start their sexual lives with masturbation. Her need to feel emotionally safe before the sexual moment cannot be overstated. Romance and seduction are ways that both men and women can co-create a context for sex that helps her separate from the cares of her day and her mental checklist of things to do, and brings her to a place of vulnerability.
Some women find deep satisfaction in sexual intercourse, even if it comes without her orgasm. Men and women both need to feel deeply attached to their partner for happiness. But our starting place is often different.
Emotional intimacy combined with sexual intimacy is the combination that creates a passionate marriage or partnership.
I think it is nice that this women tells us honestly how she feels about sex, but why assume that all women are the same? That is just silly. Even the same woman feels differently about it at different stages of their life.
I know that from my partner. Traditionally, women have used the hint or even the promise of sex, or sex itself, as a manipulation tool. Sex is a tradable commodity. But it is also a double edged sword in that when widely used, the woman herself becomes the commodity. People are manipulative.
There is a power struggle in marriage over how much closeness and how much autonomy we can arrange and tolerate. Using sex as a bargaining chip obviously defends against intimacy. Money can be used the same way We can trade things with our partner or we can give to them out of love because it is our commitment and also the deepest, most generous way to develop a secure, safe harbor in the relationship.
Laurie, Yes people can be manipulative. Men manipulate women just as much! The husband can be manipulative too. He uses a few things that his wife needs and desires, as tools too! Women are so indoctrinated and gullible for men. Men have been emotionally, physically, and verbally abusing their wives for eons, but wives took it and did not complain, so all of a sudden when women realize that they are vital as well, these women start to complain about the abuse. But evil people come out of the wood work and write articles blamimg wives for marriage problems.
Oh god. Are you kidding me? This is why my generation of men arent going to get married. All i hear is women this women that. The notion that women have suffered more than men is such BS! Both sexes suffered in old times. Guess who stormed Normandy? Guess who gave up their seats so that women and children could leave the titanic safely?
Guess who has to stay in the vault if there is a bank robbery as hostages? Yes, men are often harmed or killed at the hands of other men. Women are perpetually in danger of being physically harmed or killed by men within family, partnership and day to day life on the street.
I'm sorry you've suffered from the fear of the danger other men may inflict on you. Women are proportionally smaller in the population at large and less able to defend themselves physically. Perhaps you can use your fear of being killed in a war, to empathize with women's daily plight. Women make up higher overall numbers here in the U. My point is yes there are guys who come home from work yell tuna casserole then start screaming and swinging, but there are far more many men that if a woman would be in danger would risk their lives to save and protect them.
Women go to college at higher rates because men are told their boyish attitudes aren't fit for society. Men's issues have always been ignored. There is a war on men. These are our future boys who will be marrying our future girls. Don't apologize. My great uncle served for freedom. So that our country which included his wife and children would be free.
Daniel - while not the point of my article I too wondered about the disproportion of men in college enrollment. Here's a sophisticated breakdown that includes the breakdown by race and gender as well - Google "stanford and where the guys are" to find the article.
It includes scientific research on the gender gap in income. The "mook" image of males who are crude, rude, childish risk-takers has become ubiquitous in reality television, television commercials, sitcoms, music, and on the Web. Selling this kind of masculinity to boys does not instill attitudes conducive to preparing for or succeeding in college.
And in trying to market themselves to young men, many colleges and universities have contributed to the problem, and in the process done themselves few favors, by presenting the college experience, especially in commercials aired during televised sports, as cheering at athletic events and chatting on the quad with attractive coeds. The war on men and on women is a mind job Similar to how people pleasing has the endorphin feel-good anchor of making people happy but at what cost is society taken on a roller coaster of pride, resentments, and infidelities, to put us unfairly right in the middle of bulls eye sights.
Having a headache and or using sex as a female to get the man to do something is so many degrees of wrong. Sex is for pleasure and once it is weaponized the relationship is over But, depends on what you're meaning by 'do something', if it's to see they are wrong about something but won't, then I don't agree.
If it's to do the lawn or pay bills? She should just leave entirely.. And they all think it will be so much better with another.. There are at least two gender-based myths about sex -- that all women dream of wedding rings and babies as soon as they have sex.
And then, after marriage, women are frigid. There are plenty of women who don't need sex to be more than a physical act and there are as many, if not more, husbands or male partners who do not want to have sex with their partners. Women can enjoy sex. Some men don't like sex. The night I returned from a relatively sexless two week honeymoon, I got told by my wife that she didn't want sex more than once a month.
That was a lie. It was more like two or three months before she'd feel like sex. I'd have to get her drunk, then see if she was interested. Then she'd stop as soon as I climaxed, roll over, and go to sleep. Our marriage went downhill from there. Moreover, I can choose to experience multiple orgasms , depending on whether or not my husband is in a frame of mind to extend my pleasure. I love sex and not merely for the emotional bonding.
Sex feels amazing; orgasms are a powerful motive in and of themselves. The author maintains the status quo by essentially implying that women are less likely than men to enjoy sex for pure physical pleasure. Simply untrue. Just as evolution made our parts fit excellently it follows there must be some consistency to the experience that's not explained by the purely case by case. Did you read the part.. I'm not horny myself, but if you are I'd like to please you and make you happy.
I've read to children when I was tired I've made dinner when I wasn't hungry. Some women feel LOVE as a motive and rarely if ever feel spontaneous subjective desire. I totally disagree! I have desire for my partner every day spontaneously!
I can hear his voice and want to drag him to bed, don't put all women into neat little boxes. We are all different, we all have different needs, wants and desires just like men! You can't tell women that they are supposed to feel "subjective desire". You aren't telling men to stop feeling a spontaneous need for sex and to avoid trying to wait for love and cozy feelings before having sex. Sounds to me like you're blaming women for the way women are made.
If that is what you are doing, then Laurue, we are disappointed and you are so wrong. You are comparing giving sex to a husband is like doing laundry and preparing food!?!
Does forced laundry and food preparation make you feel morally and spiritually degraded? If there is relational warmth and good will, this offering can be a real gift of love.
It can frustrate her efforts when her partner insists, "But I want you to want it! But because she often feels desire after arousal, she often also finds herself glad that she started making love. I am a historian. A woman historian. Your article sets women's "oral" history back to the dark ages where marriage is all about women submitting to the sexual dominated culture of men and their views of sexual control and privilege. SEX is not love. That line is as old as a man telling a women that if she really loved him, she would give him sex How has that line worked out for women???
Look at all the unwanted children in the world we have. How about the history of the research on sex throughout history. It is strictly from the male perspective. Wow, Freud really did women a big favor by his bias research on sex.
Everything you have expressed shows how much you are brainwashed by a male dominated society. What a bunch of nonsense. I personally am sick and tired of women like you promoting sex as love.
Men throughout history have NEVER been held accountable for their lack of sexual control and their objectifying of women sexually. Your article supports male dominance over women. Marriage was created by the human society to protect and honor the family unit, specifically the children and their mothers because women are very vulnerable when they produce children, even from their own husbands. Before there was birth control, men were allowed to kill their wives through child birth because men cared more about having sex than the life of their wife, and mother of their children.
These days and in the USA, a man who will not leave his wife alone and makes her pregnant after already giving birth to a child and a doctor tells him if she gets pregnant it puts her life in danger and she will die if she has another child That man should be put in jail for murder. No excuse for such irresponsible behavior. Birth control does not make it ok for a man to sexually dominate a woman. Men are the ones who invented religions, governments, and controlled the development of social cultures to the advantage of the human male.
Just because a man has a strong sex drive does not give them the right to expect a women be responsible for his lack of self-control. For you to even suggest that a woman is doing her husband a favor by having sex with him when she does not feel up to it, promoting what has been promoted to women for thousands of years.
It is her fault if her husband is not satisfied with sex and looks for it else where. It is not a women's "duty" to manage a man's sex drive, it is the man's responsibility.
People have forgotten this about history Sex produces children Birth control does not always prevent pregnancies. In the case of an unwanted pregnancy, I witnessed other women being publicly shamed for the decision they make about it, and NOTHING is said or done to the men who took part in the unwanted pregnancy.
During sex, I have felt pressure to make artificial faces and noises and fake orgasms in order to turn my partner on and make them feel good about their sexual prowess. If I show any emotion, I risk being used as evidence that women are over emotional, manipulative, irrational, always playing the victim.
If I am experiencing physical or emotional health issues related to my reproductive system, I risk being used as evidence that women are irrational, and unable to make good decisions for myself and others. I agree with the majority of what you have written regarding the history of men, women and sex and it's fab that you are so passionate about women and equality.
I'm sorry but I do disagree with the tone used. It does sound a bit ranty, angry and accusatory which will automatically make a lot of men defensive and therefore ignore the important message you want to get across. Men have a hard time too you know. They just have different problems then we do. You only need to look at the stats of male suicides to see that many are suffering. You mentioned 'if I cry We aren't expected to bottle it up.
I think roles have changed so much that neither sex really know what they're supposed to be doing now. What their purpose is etc I'm certainly not advocating we go back to the 50s but it's just taking us all a while to work out how we fit together no pun intended.
We have more complicated anatomy down there and for a lot of men they're terrified they haven't got a clue what they're doing. The noises are just to guide them in the right direction. My personal experience is most men want to pleasure women. They get off when we get off,. You are one angry woman. Are you mad that you're a woman? It seems so. And you hate men. Read history. Men are responsible for many terrible things that happened in the world, but they are also responsible for most of the good things, too: beautiful music and artwork, fabulous architecture and construction techniques, thousands of inventions and discoveries that have made our lives better and easier, medical advances, etc.
I could go on and on. As Camille Paglia once said, "If it weren't for men, women would be living in grass huts. Laurie, are you seriously comparing sex to doing laundry? Are you actually suggesting that women have sex, an incredibly intimate act where we are allowing someone to penetrate our bodies, as part of a household routine? Hi, called, it wants it's BS sexual attitudes back. Frankly, I'm kind of disgusted. Know what I want? Sex where I feel respected and cherished and not like a sex toy.
Where I'm not made to feel cheap or like I'm not even in the room. Where I'm not treated like a porn actor. Yes it can be compared to laundry because the premise is that you may do things you otherwise might not choose to do so that you can have an outcome you desire, wether that's clean clothes or a happier marriage.
It's not a perfect analogy but it works. Your other comments are just selfish "Sex where I feel respected. Where I'm not made to feel cheap.
Last time I checked you needed at least 2 people to have sex. Now it provides access to celibacy", which commented on your sentiment as follows:. Under these conditions, pity the poor married man hoping to get a bit of comfort from the wife at day's end.
He must somehow seduce a woman who is economically independent of him, bone tired, philosophically disinclined to have sex unless she is jolly well in the mood, numbingly familiar with his every sexual maneuver, and still doing a slow burn over his failure to wipe down the countertops and fold the dish towel after cooking the kids' dinner.
Why have the findings varied so much? According to a new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior , part of the reason may be due to the fact that the questions researchers have been asking have been somewhat ambiguous. It matters a lot. This is problematic because it means that different women may be interpreting the question in different ways some may assume intercourse includes clitoral stimulation, while others may not , and that could be leading to inconsistency in research findings.
What researchers in the new study did was to ask more than 1, women about their experiences with orgasm in three different ways. Specifically, they were given the following questions:. What the researchers found was that orgasm frequency varied substantially across these three questions. What these results tell us is that when women are asked about their experiences with orgasm in general during vaginal intercourse, they seem to be interpreting it in multiple ways.
Some are thinking about intercourse alone no clitoral stimulation , some are thinking about intercourse with added clitoral stimulation, and some are probably thinking about both of these things and averaging them together.
All in all, these findings demonstrate the importance of asking women clear and detailed questions about their orgasms when conducting survey research. This will not only help give us a better idea of how often women tend to reach orgasm during intercourse, but it will also serve to highlight the forms of stimulation that women find most pleasurable. Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology?
Click here for previous articles or follow the blog on Facebook facebook. To learn more about this research, see: Shirazi, T.
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Verified by Psychology Today. Ink Blots Cartoons. Today's cartoon brings up the question Are you asking for enough sex? What words do men and women use on first dates that suggest that they want to go on a second date? A man signals interest by talking in a deep monotone voice. I'm shocked! Are you shocked? No surprise: sex is a huge topic in Google searches. Perhaps you have, too. Another article, also in Atlantic , you go, guys!
Adventures in the Science of Female Desire. When it comes to the craving for sexual variety, the research Bergner assembles suggests that women may be "even less well-suited for monogamy than men. Everyone's being kind of wishy-washy Women want sex, but they don't want to be seen as forward or worse, desperate. Last week I wrote about other studies, this time on prehistoric cultures and sexual customs, that also suggested that women really rocked their sexual arena, and were quite interested in lovemaking.
A lot. Maybe with more than one man, actually. But what if Are you ready for this? Are they ready for this? What do you think? All Rights Reserved. But this may be the most exciting thing for both of you.
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